running lapse around brainse

reverting to some old ways, some comfortable ways that worked for me…the drift again. but its not all bad, its just that i am mortal this time, so there is more to pray for, and more to try to forget. but “the sun’s somewhere above that dust” and i sense something always in the works…perhaps this waiting in expectation is all that we really need in order to occupy ourselves long enough to feel like we are doing something during the day which merits relaxation at night.

waking up asking God to let me live through my imagined or real illness, then keys, frozen pizza, microwaved pizza, tea, green tea extract, keys, people, talking, conjugated lineolic acid, and there…

something has to be done, and only i can slice through the rigid track that my wheels have grooved…just remember not to be complacent.

pay credit card, HOA, auto-deduct life insurance, hand a ten to mary sullivan…ok good.

i have done a work that is good and pleasing. what? talk to her? she has pissed herself. she is 83 and drinking at the bus stop. she offers me some. i don’t try to convert her. i just try to care about her for long enough to feel good enough about myself to go back to doing what i want. this timeframe, i establish it at 23 minutes. lucky for her, she shares a name, first and last, with my grandmother, or i most likely, honestly, would do a better job ignoring her.

this is what it looks like when you don’t dress it up, when the familiar patterns of the brain are not concealed…it is then that i can confess and be healed.

~ by jaybol on July 31, 2007.

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